Tamil cinema (Il)L(ai)ogic

1) Thaali sentiment : The "thaali" (mangal sutra), is THE most sacred thing to a woman. He who tries to take it away from her shall feel for it. He who ties it shall relax once the job is done.

Do you want to make a good tamil figure your wife? Just put a yellow thread around her neck and she is all yours.

2) Punch dialogue : "Naa anga vandhaa, nee enga pove?" - Sucks doesn't it? I know. I made this one up.

But so does "Sullaaaann sooooodanen,sulukku eduthuduven" or "Iyya paaka dhaan local, aana all over Tamil nadu kalakkal"

3) The Matrix - Part 824

Screw Gravity. Screw physics. Heros in Tamil Cinema don't know they exist.

The Hero does a bicycle kick on the villain and does a triple flip to kick the two guys who come to him from behind and make a perfect landing. This is perfectly valid and don't you dare question it if the hero kicks a guy who travels 10 metres and breaks a brick wall.

4) Dumb ass villains : 'N' lorries full of villains surround our hero. They have the ultimate "Thirupaachi Aruvaals","Cricket Bats", "Cycle Chains" and what not. But I am surprised as to why they dont all attack at once , and watch as one by one everyone gets his butt kicked.

If I were the villain, I would suggest all of them go and jump on top of the hero all at once and see what he does.

Hmm, but Sankar did try that in Anniyan, when about 50-100 Karate Black belts jumped on top of our hero only to be thrown away like the way bowling pins are knocked all over. So I guess, there really is no way you can kick the hero's ass.

Ever heard of a weapon called the "Gun" ? When will they ever use it?

Oh ya! they did try it against our very own Captain vijayakanth in Narasimha. But did not work. Sadly Tamil Cinema heros are faster than bullets, so they cant be hit by them.

5) Sentiment :

"Maattu ponnunna maadu maadhiri pottu adipengalada?"

Wondering who delivered this one? Not me. Our very own T.Rajendhars dialogue in one of the movies.

I say "Maatu ponnunna maadu maadhiri thirumbi odhaikka vendiyadhu dhaane"

That should solve the issue.

6) Dance among the heavens: The hero comes from a local galeej area. The heroine has never set foot outside the agraharam. The two see each other. They fall in love. And out of nowhere 10 stupid ass guys come behind the hero and start dancing. Another 10 dumb ass females who forgot to wear a saree, come and dance behind our heroine
and we find ourselves visiting Switzerland, Austalia and what not?

I wish I find these guys in the streets, but they just dont want to dance with me when I try to start a dance :(

7) Story - Rich Heroine. Poor Hero. Heroines dad/mama = Villain. Heroine is a spoilt brat. Hero is an unblemished ass kicker. Hero teaches heroine that heroine sucks. So heroine loves hero. Gives up her ego. Gives up her wardrobe(which
rarely had any dress that could cover more than 2 feet of body btw). Villain interferes and gets his ass kicked. They all live happily ever after. In between the above 1-6 points take place wherever applicable.

8) Police - Pick up the remains. Once you see the Police, you know that the Climax is over.

9) Villain's dialogues - Why does the villain not just shoot the goddamm hero straightaway and have to give a lecture explaining how and why he did all the things which nobody knew till then.

To top it, he would make the hero stand on a melting ice-cube with a noose around his neck, so that another hero has enough time to come and rescue him, eventually kicking villains ass.

My God, can Villains be any dumber.

My advice to all you Tamil Cinema Villains : You capture the hero? Shoot him. Just f***ing shoot him. Don't talk.

10) Love - Love to Indian Cinema is Kung-Fu to Chinese Cinema. You just can't afford not to have-em.